Saturday night, I had a couple of strange and intense dreams.  My first dream wasn’t gay.  In fact it was more murderous than gay.  In fact it was all murderous and none gay.  I don’t remember the premise of the dream.  All I remember is some man and woman are trying to gun me down.  Or maybe they did.  Apparently years ago, according to the dream, I had done something to some man, and they wanted to let me know they didn’t forget about it.  Like some bad mafia dream.

I awoke from this dream kind of dazed.  I looked at the clock saw that it wasn’t even 2am yet.  I was trying to get more sleep, but it took a while.  The gout pain in my knee hit it’s peak at that moment.  So maybe the drugs, and the pain in my knee had some affect on my next dream.  Onto my gay dream.

So I’m in the dark room with a dozen or so other people.  We’re watching some type of presentation or video, which I had know idea what it was talking about.  I’m sitting in the back row with some unknown people, but what we are sitting in are more like couches than chairs.  The man next to me, whom I don’t recognize, starts chatting it up with me.  From what I remember we’re having a good conversation, and we seem to be getting along, when a message appears on the projector.

“Would the men in the back row stop talking.  It’s distracting.”

I understand the talking can be a little distracting, so I’m going to stop.  This other man stops as well, but he’s changed a little.  He’s no longer wearing a shirt…  Or pants.  Just him in his underwear, steadily getting closer and closer to me.  He’s starting to try to cuddle with me.  My focus returns to the screen.

However like so many of my other dreams, things morph rather quickly.  No longer are we in a room watching a presentation, but now, we’re sitting in a car.  I’m in the middle of the back seat.  To my left, with a shirt on, but still currently gay, Vince Carter.  To my right, Tyra Banks.  (Now you may wonder how these celebrities enter my dream.  I do not know.  My most memorable dream I’ve had included celebrities, which I’ll include as a bonus)

Since we’re on the road now and in the car, Vince Carter starts talking about himself and his past relationships with other men.  However it’s finally dawning on me that Vince is not only interested in me, but he also believes we’re already together.  Let me clarify for those who don’t know who I am.  I’m happily married to my beautiful wife.  And I’m not gay.  Luckily Tyra is next to me and knows these facts as well.  I ask her for some advice on how to break it to him.  She is useless and has no suggestions.  Apparently she only has advice when she is on TV and surrounded by hundreds of crazed women ready to bash men.

Another morphing occurs, and Vince Carter is longer Vince.  Jose Canseco has now arrived in my dream.

Jose continues talking about his relationships.  His tone is getting testier and a little bit angry.  I believe he’s beginning to sense that I’m not into him, without ever having to tell him.  Maybe if Vince Carter was still there, I wouldn’t be as afraid.  But all I can think about is “wow, those ‘roids have made him big.”  I tried to distance myself from Jose physically as much possible by squeezing into Tyra.  Some of you might enjoy a dream getting closer with Tyra Banks, however, we are both fearing for our lives.  We’re trapped inside a speeding vehicle with nowhere to go.  Jose Canseco, already whacked out on steroids, is finding out that I’m rejecting his love.  Violence ensues.

He starts hitting me on the arm.  Ow!  Hits me on the leg.  OWW!  I’m looking for a way out of the car.  Tyra is looking for a way out of the car.  But we are trapped.  Do I jump out of the moving car?  Do I leave Tyra alone with Jose?  Will she jump out too?  These are questions are left unanswered.  My rescuer has arrived.

I hear a baby talking.  It is Caris.  The baby monitor has woken me up!  Thank you, Caris.

Bonus Dream

I remember this dream much more vividly years ago, but I still remember it.  This dream occurred back in 2000.

I’m out to save the princess.  But to get to her, I have to fight through a bunch of ninjas.  Black ninjas.  White ninjas.  They’re all there to stop me from getting the princess.  I’m doing well against them.  I’m able to fight them off as individuals, but their numbers soon begin to overwhelm me.  All of the sudden Anthony Hopkins & Catherine Zeta-Jones drop down from the sky to help me.  Anthony Hopkins & Catherine Zeta-Jones together defeat the rest of the ninjas.

Anthony Hopkins has something profound to say to me, but I forgot.  Must have not been that important.