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Saturday night, I had a couple of strange and intense dreams.  My first dream wasn’t gay.  In fact it was more murderous than gay.  In fact it was all murderous and none gay.  I don’t remember the premise of the dream.  All I remember is some man and woman are trying to gun me down.  Or maybe they did.  Apparently years ago, according to the dream, I had done something to some man, and they wanted to let me know they didn’t forget about it.  Like some bad mafia dream.

I awoke from this dream kind of dazed.  I looked at the clock saw that it wasn’t even 2am yet.  I was trying to get more sleep, but it took a while.  The gout pain in my knee hit it’s peak at that moment.  So maybe the drugs, and the pain in my knee had some affect on my next dream.  Onto my gay dream.

So I’m in the dark room with a dozen or so other people.  We’re watching some type of presentation or video, which I had know idea what it was talking about.  I’m sitting in the back row with some unknown people, but what we are sitting in are more like couches than chairs.  The man next to me, whom I don’t recognize, starts chatting it up with me.  From what I remember we’re having a good conversation, and we seem to be getting along, when a message appears on the projector.

“Would the men in the back row stop talking.  It’s distracting.”

I understand the talking can be a little distracting, so I’m going to stop.  This other man stops as well, but he’s changed a little.  He’s no longer wearing a shirt…  Or pants.  Just him in his underwear, steadily getting closer and closer to me.  He’s starting to try to cuddle with me.  My focus returns to the screen.

However like so many of my other dreams, things morph rather quickly.  No longer are we in a room watching a presentation, but now, we’re sitting in a car.  I’m in the middle of the back seat.  To my left, with a shirt on, but still currently gay, Vince Carter.  To my right, Tyra Banks.  (Now you may wonder how these celebrities enter my dream.  I do not know.  My most memorable dream I’ve had included celebrities, which I’ll include as a bonus)

Since we’re on the road now and in the car, Vince Carter starts talking about himself and his past relationships with other men.  However it’s finally dawning on me that Vince is not only interested in me, but he also believes we’re already together.  Let me clarify for those who don’t know who I am.  I’m happily married to my beautiful wife.  And I’m not gay.  Luckily Tyra is next to me and knows these facts as well.  I ask her for some advice on how to break it to him.  She is useless and has no suggestions.  Apparently she only has advice when she is on TV and surrounded by hundreds of crazed women ready to bash men.

Another morphing occurs, and Vince Carter is longer Vince.  Jose Canseco has now arrived in my dream.

Jose continues talking about his relationships.  His tone is getting testier and a little bit angry.  I believe he’s beginning to sense that I’m not into him, without ever having to tell him.  Maybe if Vince Carter was still there, I wouldn’t be as afraid.  But all I can think about is “wow, those ‘roids have made him big.”  I tried to distance myself from Jose physically as much possible by squeezing into Tyra.  Some of you might enjoy a dream getting closer with Tyra Banks, however, we are both fearing for our lives.  We’re trapped inside a speeding vehicle with nowhere to go.  Jose Canseco, already whacked out on steroids, is finding out that I’m rejecting his love.  Violence ensues.

He starts hitting me on the arm.  Ow!  Hits me on the leg.  OWW!  I’m looking for a way out of the car.  Tyra is looking for a way out of the car.  But we are trapped.  Do I jump out of the moving car?  Do I leave Tyra alone with Jose?  Will she jump out too?  These are questions are left unanswered.  My rescuer has arrived.

I hear a baby talking.  It is Caris.  The baby monitor has woken me up!  Thank you, Caris.

Bonus Dream

I remember this dream much more vividly years ago, but I still remember it.  This dream occurred back in 2000.

I’m out to save the princess.  But to get to her, I have to fight through a bunch of ninjas.  Black ninjas.  White ninjas.  They’re all there to stop me from getting the princess.  I’m doing well against them.  I’m able to fight them off as individuals, but their numbers soon begin to overwhelm me.  All of the sudden Anthony Hopkins & Catherine Zeta-Jones drop down from the sky to help me.  Anthony Hopkins & Catherine Zeta-Jones together defeat the rest of the ninjas.

Anthony Hopkins has something profound to say to me, but I forgot.  Must have not been that important.

I’ve been trying to sell my extra laptop for the past month.  I’ve been posting ads on craigslist and Facebook.  However, almost all of the responses I get are from Nigerian scammers.  I have a few options when dealing with scammers.  I either ignore them.  Or I pose as an interested buyer.  Or I simply call them out on it.

The image I used below is the first image I found when I searched for “grandma” on Google images with moderate filtering.  Maybe it’s this result just in Belize.  It is crude, but fitting nonetheless.

Between You and Sindri Joe

 Sindri Joe February 25 at 1:01am

hi
i am really interested in buying this item for my Grandson in west Africa as a Birthday gift and i will be offering you $570 including the shipping cost to west Africa kindly get back to me with your pay pal email address, so that i can send out the payment as soon as possible.
Thanks and Stay Bless

 Christopher Wong February 25 at 9:43am

Your grandson? Wow. You can’t be more than 20 from your picture. You should really find a new picture that reflects your age.

 Sindri Joe February 25 at 11:11am

what do you mean by that?

 Christopher Wong February 25 at 10:56pm

If you’re going to pose as a grandmother, perhaps you should use a photo that doesn’t look like you’re 16 years old. Technically, it is possible at that age to be a grandmother, but highly improbably. Like in a million if not worse odds. That’s like you having a child at 8 years old. And then having your child having a baby at 8 years old.

If you are that one in a million, I’ll send you my computer free of charge. You’ll need all the help you can get. That’s got to be psychologically and emotionally damaging.

However, I’m assuming you’re a male Nigerian scammer, who hasn’t had much luck scamming people via Facebook. The least you can do is use a picture of an actual grandmother.

kateskitchentable.files.wordpress.com

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We received our new refrigerator yesterday.  I must mention that I like it.  It’s got nice blue lights.

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Yvonne was humming Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer yesterday, and it got me thinking about the this special reindeer.  So prior to Santa appointing Rudolph as the head of the reindeers, Rudolph was not liked.  He was despised by the other reindeers.  They laughed and called him names.  They never let him play in any reindeer games.  But then all the sudden Santa appoints him as leader of the reindeers.  And then the other reindeers turned around and starting cheering for him.

Does this seem right to you?

You telling me the other reindeers were okay with Santa appointing the annoying kid to the lead the pack?  Yes, they may unfairly picked on poor Rudolph, but I highly doubt they would shout with glee for Rudolph.  I think something is quite fishy here.  I don’t think we’re getting the whole story.

Jesus may command us to love one another, but I don’t think that reindeers must adhere to this commandment, and I don’t think they’re believers anyways.  Rudolph may be the chosen one like Neo or Chandler Jarrell, but even they had their doubters.

I can’t imagine the reindeers standing up for this, and I think this story ends badly for Rudolph.  As in “Rudolph is no more” badly.  Poor Rudolph. 

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It’s a streak that has been going on for over 19 years.  This streak was longer than the 7 years no throw-up streak that was broken in college, and the subsequent 5 year no throw-up streak after that.  This streak meant something, although the importance of it probably matters none.  Since the summer of 1990, I have bowled probably over a thousand games.  And in each of those game I have successfully bowled over 100.  Yesterday, that streak ended.  Gone are the days of my 150 average.   Gone are the days where 100 was a given score.  At my advancing age, my body aches after bowling.

There were a few games where I had to step in the clutch and get a mark in the final frame in order to get my 100 score.  But yesterday I got off to a bad start as normally given my rust from bowling only a few times a year.  The lane was dry yesterday making it more difficult to find the line I wanted.  And when I finally found the line I wanted in the 6th frame, I had a lot to make up.  I only have an 89 entering the 10th frame.  I need a mark to keep my streak alive.  I roll the ball and hit my line thinking I got my strike, only it hooks too much and leaves me a 367 split.  My hopes of keeping my streak alive are fading fast.  I’ve picked up this split numerous times before back in the day, but those days were long ago.

I attempt to go for my spare and it fools good coming out of my hand.  The ball is rolling exactly where it needs to go for the first 45 feet.  That last 15 feet, the dry lane shows its ugly head again and I barely miss picking up the split.  Final score 98.  Streak over.

I haven’t seen such a low score from me in decades; not since I was a little kid.  There could be numerous reasons why I scored so low.  Dry lane.  Invisible arrows on the dark lanes.  Not having my own bowling ball.  Lack of practice.   Regardless, it has come to end.

The streak is now at 1 game and 1 day.   Let’s keep it going.

Thank you everyone for the birthday wishes.  And thank you for those who came bowling with me.  It was fun.

Image reused under Creative Commons license http://www.flickr.com/photos/a4gpa/ / CC BY-SA 2.0

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I love ice cream.  Yvonne loves ice cream.  We’ve eaten quite a bit of it since we’ve been together.  But did you know that the ice cream companies are ripping us off?!  It’s a scam that ALL the companies have perpetrated against us.

Take a look at the ice cream section of the supermarket.  You’ll see your regular big containers of ice cream, but there’s something different.  Do they look a little smaller to you?  Well you may not have noticed, but they are.  For decades the ice cream containers were 2 quarts in size.  A couple years ago Yvonne noticed at the market that the ice cream containers were different sizes.  You look closely, and it showed 1.75 quarts on the container.  1.75?   Now you may normally not notice this, but there were still some 2 quart containers in the freezer, so you can obviously see the difference and the change these companies were starting to make.

Now the containers are 1.5 quarts.  But not only are they making the containers smaller, but they’re raising the prices of the ice cream as well!  Higher prices, less ice cream.  And it’s not just Dreyers or Breyers, but every other company is doing this as well.  Have you heard of Deluxe ice cream?  Neither have I.  1.5 quarts!  They’re all like that.  More money, less food. 

That should be all the ice companies new slogan.  “More money, less food.”  I hate you, guys.  Yet you make such a delicious product.

This is exactly what we were talking about at work a few days ago.

From Bill Simmon’s mailbag:

Q: If Michael Jackson’s memorial had ended with him jumping out of the casket and performing "Thriller," would that have been the best moment in television history? I think so.
– Rick, New York

SG: Yes! One-hundred times over, yes! I will go one step further: Once I found out his body would be at the ceremony, part of me was sitting there for two hours thinking, "He’s gonna jump out of the casket. He’s gonna jump out of the casket." Can you name another celebrity in our lifetimes who would provoke this reaction? We are talking about a scenario in which A DEAD GUY WOULD HAVE JUMPED OUT OF A CASKET AND STARTED SINGING, and I wouldn’t have been totally surprised by this. Hell, I was a little disappointed when the ceremony ended. Crap. I guess he’s really dead.

(Ladies and gentlemen, the Michael Jackson Era! We will never see anything quite like it again. And maybe that’s for the best.)

I found some long lost video footage on my server.  Sisters Appreciation, 2004.  Puppet Show.